It's been hard...

Dad,

It's been a while since I wrote you and right now it may be just what I need. I have been struggling dad. It's not how I want to feel, but I can't seem to get past it. I know that I always tell people that you can pull yourself out of anything as long as you mentally allow yourself to, but not this time. I usually do believe that, I always have, but it isn't working out like that right now. Everywhere I go I am reminded of my favorite moments with you. All those times I didn't cherish as they were happening but now I do more than anything. I was crazy to take those moments for granted, it was wrong of me. I never stopped and realized how much I enjoyed spending time with you. You were more apart of my life then I ever actually knew. Nothing is the same now. As I traveled to Vegas this weekend for the first time since you were gone...all I could think about was our multiple trips out there for high school soccer. As we were driving some of your favorite songs came out of the speakers and immediately brought me back to drives with you, blasting the music. I am lucky to have so many good memories with you, Dad. I am so lucky. Why has it had to take you being gone for me to miss those times? I am sorry, and I hope you know how much all those moments meant to me. I never took anything you did for granted, I felt lucky to have such an amazing father. Some people don't get that chance.

It's not always easy being reminded of you so much, but I also don't want that to change. I don't want to lose those moments. Life doesn't seem the same anymore and at times it doesn't feel worth it. All I want is to have you back in mine and moms life. I need my dad back, I really do. People are there dad, but I feel so alone. It's not their fault at all, it's mine.

For over a month I was doing so well. I kept wondering why I hadn't felt the need to cry in so long. It was as if I was numb to everything. Maybe I was hiding from reality and couldn't accept what had happened. It could have been that the whole time I thought I was dealing with things well, I really wasn't. Well dad, I am no longer numb to everything. I have cried for almost 2 weeks straight, crying every night. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you or remember something we did together. Does that make me weak?

Dad, I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know what I need or what I even want. I am very lost and each day keeps getting harder. I read something last night that describes how I feel about life right now.

Difficult times in life can be a little easier to endure if we have the ability to remember that our existence holds a purpose - a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.

This is the only thing getting me through right now. The idea that my existence holds a purpose is the one thing that forces me to wake up each day. I know that God has a plan for me and I have to go forward believing that with everything I have. I know you are with me dad but I just haven't felt you near very much. When will this get easier? I want to be happy, and strong. I want to be able to act like I can go on living knowing you are always there. Can't that be enough? I wish it could be. I miss you so much dad, more then you even know.

I love you forever and always,
Taylor Marie

Been A While

Dad...

This weekend was one of the hardest weekends I have had in a while, I missed you so much. I have been doing pretty well lately and haven't shown my emotions much on the outside. The past two days have been very different though. Mom and I went to the Schramm's last night for dinner because Michelle is in town visiting. Mom had a really rough day and she didn't really know why. The day consisted of talking about you a lot and as I starred at a picture of you that was in the house I had to leave the table. I went downstairs and just lost it. Everything about being there made me think of you. I was immediately filled with so many memories that we had with their family. All of us have been through so many up's and down's together but without you it just doesn't seem right. As I drove home last night I couldn't stop crying. All I wanted was to be with you, to talk to you, and give you a big hug. Life just doesn't feel right without you here. I have been trying so hard to continue to live but it's not easy. You were my strength and I feel lost without you here. I know that so many other people lose family and that I need to get past it but it's just so difficult. I need your support and wish I had just one more day to spend with you.

Today I went to a BBQ at Michelle's grandparents and again the day just didn't feel right. I didn't want to be around people and really didn't want to talk. As I drove home I once again lost it. I haven't cried for almost a month and it seems like all I am doing is crying this weekend. I know that I have made great leaps but it's days like these that make me question how I am coping. This journey sucks dad. I know that you went through the same thing and I know you understand but I just wish you could be here to help me through it. I hope tomorrow is a better day because I don't want to feel like this. I know that I should allow people to be there for me but I can't. I can't seem to get myself to call anyone, yet that's all I want to do. Mom is out tonight and I am so glad that she decided to go hang out with her friend. I want her to do that more often. I am trying dad, I really am. I wish I could help her. I wish I could make things better for her but nothing seems good in her life. I am trying to be support for her but I don't think I am helping much.

God has interesting plans and if anyone knows that, it's you. I still don't know why you were taken from us so soon but I am so thankful for the time I had with you. You truly are amazing. Thank you for loving me even when you were so disappointed with things I did. You never once left my side. Thank you for being the best father a girl could ask for. Please be with me dad. I really need you. I love you so much and that will never change.

With Love,
Tay

See Me Smiling

Band: YELLOWCARD
See Me Smiling

The sun comes up and you are all over my mind
You're in my brain before I can open my eyes
As I go on without you
My heartbeat wont slow down
I need you back like I need air to breath this out

All I can do is keep you closer now
'Cause I know your somewhere out there looking down
Wherever you are (Wherever you are)
I hope you can see me smiling

The sky gets dark, I watch the water here at home
It's 10 years now and I'm still learning to let go
I'ts not the same without you
Theres no one keeping time
You were the rhythm that was bringing us to life

All I can do is keep you closer now
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there looking down
Wherever you are (Wherever you are)
I hope you can see me smiling now (I hope you can see me smiling)

Sometimes I can't help think that I have had you right behind me all this time
If only you could have a chance to see 
All the happiness you gave to me

All I can do is keep you closer now
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there looking down
Wherever you are
I hope you can see me smiling now (I hope you can see me smiling)
I hope you can see me smiling

I love you dad with all my heart and miss you more and more each day!

Love,
Tay

A New Beginning

Dear Dad,

Well this is my first post to you. Sometimes I wonder if you can actually hear me when I speak to you or can read what I write. I know that I write to you every night in my journal but I felt like this would be a good place for me to share in a place that I know I can never lose. You loved art, and you loved to express yourself through art, so this is my way of expressing myself to you. You probably wouldn't be too surprised at the fact that I have really enjoyed writing. It's amazing how therapeutic it is to just say what's on my mind and not have to keep so much inside. Now that you are gone I don't have that one person that will listen to anything and everything. People have their own lives and it's not fair to always expect them to be there. You had a way of forgetting everything in your own life and just being there for people. It could be the reason that I would rather be there for everyone else then to have people be there for me. I hope you know that the love you showed to the world was amazing.

This weekend has been a hard one and I don't even know why. I started to really struggle on Friday and it got worse throughout the weekend. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you and how often I think about you. So many things that surround me are constant reminders of the person you were and the things you loved to do. My back has been really bothering me lately, which has made me constantly think about you. It's hard to be in pain let alone be in pain in an area that you were so good at fixing. Every day I wake up hoping that you will heal me and take away this pain. I won't stop hoping for that day because I know at some point you will come through like you always did.

Today, mom and I went to Stone Brewery. I know how much you loved that place and we actually got to sit upstairs. For as many times as we went there it's pretty surprising that we never sat up there. I think you would have liked it, it was very peaceful and pretty cool to overlook the whole place. We talked about how we never had the chance to take the tour, yet we talked about doing it so many times. I was trying to think about what I would do to celebrate your birthday next month so maybe some of my friends would want to do that in your honour. You wouldn't have expected anything else from me, but I got a beer that wasn't stone. I stuck with my light beer that you always made fun of me about. Mom got the smoked porter, which you both loved so much. I am glad that she got a drink today. We also had dessert and you would have absolutely loved the one we chose. It of course had coconut since we all love it so much, but wasn't extremely sweet. We both really needed to get out of the house today and it was her idea to go there. Surprising huh?? :) I am doing my best to get her out of the house as much as I can.

You would also be so impressed at the fact that she finally is getting physical therapy for her back. Her first appointment was this past Friday and she will be coming in every Friday for the next few weeks. I am so proud of her for finally making the effort to get help.

I am hoping that by writing to you every once in a while that this will help me still feel close to you. Some days I don't feel like you are with me but I know you are. You made sure you were always apart of my life in some way or another. I was lucky to have a dad that cared so much. I am sorry for being annoyed with those kind of things at the time, you didn't deserve that. I look back on a lot of things and feel bad for the way I treated you at times. You always were just trying to help and make me laugh. I miss your lame jokes and the talks you had with the cats every morning. I am sorry that I didn't appreciate all those little things that made you so amazing. Thank you for being such an amazing person in my life. I try to keep remembering that I have to be thankful for the time I did have with you rather then being mad.

Keep smiling down on all of us and please don't leave my side!

Love always and forever,
Taylor Marie