It's been a while since I wrote you and right now it may be just what I need. I have been struggling dad. It's not how I want to feel, but I can't seem to get past it. I know that I always tell people that you can pull yourself out of anything as long as you mentally allow yourself to, but not this time. I usually do believe that, I always have, but it isn't working out like that right now. Everywhere I go I am reminded of my favorite moments with you. All those times I didn't cherish as they were happening but now I do more than anything. I was crazy to take those moments for granted, it was wrong of me. I never stopped and realized how much I enjoyed spending time with you. You were more apart of my life then I ever actually knew. Nothing is the same now. As I traveled to Vegas this weekend for the first time since you were gone...all I could think about was our multiple trips out there for high school soccer. As we were driving some of your favorite songs came out of the speakers and immediately brought me back to drives with you, blasting the music. I am lucky to have so many good memories with you, Dad. I am so lucky. Why has it had to take you being gone for me to miss those times? I am sorry, and I hope you know how much all those moments meant to me. I never took anything you did for granted, I felt lucky to have such an amazing father. Some people don't get that chance.
It's not always easy being reminded of you so much, but I also don't want that to change. I don't want to lose those moments. Life doesn't seem the same anymore and at times it doesn't feel worth it. All I want is to have you back in mine and moms life. I need my dad back, I really do. People are there dad, but I feel so alone. It's not their fault at all, it's mine.
For over a month I was doing so well. I kept wondering why I hadn't felt the need to cry in so long. It was as if I was numb to everything. Maybe I was hiding from reality and couldn't accept what had happened. It could have been that the whole time I thought I was dealing with things well, I really wasn't. Well dad, I am no longer numb to everything. I have cried for almost 2 weeks straight, crying every night. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you or remember something we did together. Does that make me weak?
Dad, I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know what I need or what I even want. I am very lost and each day keeps getting harder. I read something last night that describes how I feel about life right now.
This is the only thing getting me through right now. The idea that my existence holds a purpose is the one thing that forces me to wake up each day. I know that God has a plan for me and I have to go forward believing that with everything I have. I know you are with me dad but I just haven't felt you near very much. When will this get easier? I want to be happy, and strong. I want to be able to act like I can go on living knowing you are always there. Can't that be enough? I wish it could be. I miss you so much dad, more then you even know.
I love you forever and always,
Taylor Marie
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